God sent Pam

It is so beautiful out here. Huge oak trees with limbs spread so wide I have to resist the urge to climb them! Except for every 5 minutes when a huge jet plane flies right over your head leaving Hobby Airport, it's quiet and peaceful! Birds chirp in and chimes hang from the branch that hangs right over her grave. There are bright beautiful bundles of flowers as far as you can see at Forest Lawn Cemetery. The way I describe it sounds gorgeous, right? So why don't I ever come? In six years, today was maybe my 5th time to come to my mom's grave. I have no words to explain why. I just can't.
So much anxiety built up on the way here today that I actually u-turned twice. You may think my anxieties were big life changing thoughts, but no, they went something like this: What if I don't remember which section her grave is in? What if her stone is so dirty you can't see her name? And the one that seriously paralyzed me today was: What if her flower vase has been turned upside down? (that's what the funeral home does when the vase is empty..turns it upside down). How could I not bring her fresh flowers on a regular basis? Will she be the only one without flowers?
I put some there 3 years ago..the last time that , I hate to admit, I went to her grave. Dad, Marc, and I spent some sweet time here 5 years ago. We took pictures (therapeutic in our family), laughed, cried, and just sat silent and remembered.



I'm not sure how often they visit, but I've stopped in an embarrassingly low number of times, quickly fall apart, and have to leave.
As I pulled in, I easily found her grave. That fear began to dissolve as I realized that I could never forget this place. This exact spot. Three huge oak trees hang right over her grave blocking out the direct sun, providing beautiful shade and noises of nature, and as I like to say giving mom the best seat in the house!
I parked and grabbed my bag out of the car (moving in slow motion as to stall) and walked toward her grave. I kind of had my eyes half open in fear of what I'd see. But then I saw the most beautiful bouquet of red, purple, and yellow flowers I'd ever seen. She had flowers.

I actually sat straight down on the ground and just cried. What a silly thing...flowers...like mom cared that she has a bouquet of fake flowers that probably cost $8 at Hobby Lobby...but I needed that moment.
All of a sudden in that quiet, vulnerable moment I heard a small ladies voice. "Don't you sing at Sagemont?" Now, let me explain, this only happens when I have just cut someone off in a parking lot, have no make-up on, am dressed hideously, am yelling at my husband in public...etc...you get the picture :)
I looked back and realized I hadn't even responded yet so she repeated her question. I said (with mascara and snot running down my face) "Yes ma'am I do". She told me her name is Pam. My reaction to the next words she said are why she'll probably forever think I'm crazy. She said "sometimes when I"m here to see my family, I put flowers on your mom's grave".
I just wept, went completely into the ugly cry and said "Pam, we don't know each other, but God sent you to me today". I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tighter than I think I've ever hugged anyone.
Pam comes often, unlike me. She makes her rounds between two different funeral homes and 4 plots having experienced 4 times the loss that I have (her brother, her mom and dad, and her sister) but she, for 6 years, has been looking over my mom's grave too. As we talked I shook out the flowers to rid them of some of the dirt and ants (and to keep my hands busy as I HATE to talk to someone face to face while I'm crying). I began to get out some of the supplies that I brought with me (towels, rags, bottles of water). Pam let me borrow a small broom out of her car and then the Spring Cleaning was on. Something about being able to be down on my hands and knees and scrubbing that stone, making it spotless, the way she always kept our house, felt so good. Felt like I was doing something for her. I believe my mom led the angels in the Hallelujah chorus at that moment because Lord knows my mom loved to clean! And to see ME cleaning, Hallelujah! :) I probably made Pam uncomfortable with how many times I hugged her. I thanked her over and over and hoped that my eyes said what I couldn't find words to say.
Now, Pam has left. I've sat on this beautiful (and CLEAN) stone of the most beautiful woman I'll ever know for 3 hours. I've looked through pictures I brought with me, cried, taken more pictures, laid down and almost took a little nappy (which I must admit probably looked mildly creepy), and written all of this. One of the most beautiful afternoons of my life.

I fully believe God inserts people into your life when you absolutely need them the most. Patti Reim will always have a place in my heart as she went from mere acquaintance to charge nurse and ANGEL during our stay in the hospital while mom was sick. After today, I'll never forget Pam. God sent Pam.
Just a few of so many mommy memories:


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